hall duty is hard because i’m an abuse survivor

I’m starting to write a series of posts and the purpose is…

…to identify the dynamics in my own personal life that contribute to the pressure that I feel as a teacher.

Yes — there are many external dynamics that challenge teachers. BUT I want to write about my unique, personal, internal dynamics that make my teaching duties pressure-filled for ME.

Hall Duty Be Like

They get out of class to wander the halls, watch tik tok, listen to their music, sneak into the bathroom to vape, meet up with their friends. Some try to avoid eye-contact so I might decide to skip questioning them. Some try the friendly-distract-the-teacher method to get me to chat and forget the fact that they are cutting class.

On hall duty…

…I feel afraid.

…I feel threatened.

…I feel vulnerable.

…I feel anxious.

I probably don’t look like I feel those things on the outside. But it is very much part of what I feel on the inside.

I don’t think that every teacher feels afraid on hall duty. But I think it is important for me to honestly recognize that I DO. Among the many factors that cause those feelings is a second one that I’ll mention in this post. (See first one here about being the son of a minister/pastor.)

2. Past abuse makes setting boundaries a panicky experience.

I won’t get into graphic detail here but, as a child, I was sexually abused by an adult, male babysitter. During the multiple acts of abuse my vocal cords seemed paralyzed. I would try to protest — my insides screaming to say, “stop! Don’t do this to me. What you are doing is wrong!” — but my 9 year old body was overwhelmed by his and I couldn’t manage to get a sound out. Once I miraculously was able to muster some kind of protesting grunt/noise/plea-for-mercy and he shut it down saying, “What?? Nothing is wrong here.”

Even though I’m an adult now (and I’m not threatened by a predator/abuser), my past trauma still affects me today — including as I carry out teaching responsibilities. Enforcing rules just absolutely SUCKS for me. I hate it. I am getting better at it (and therapy is helping) but UGH — high school teachers have to enforce rules sooooo freaking often!!! For me, the triggering, often subconscious, thoughts sound like, “I’m not safe. I don’t have the ability to use my voice to set boundaries.” “Ahhh! This is overwhelming because the students are constantly crossing lines and pushing the boundaries and I am helpless.” “People won’t like it if I point out something that is wrong so I better stay quiet.” “I won’t have the security that I need unless I perform in ways that please the people around me — so I better compromise on my values and let the students do what they prefer to do.”

So how does being an abuse survivor make me feel scared on hall duty?

My abuser did to me what he wanted — violating my boundaries — and he shut my voice down in the process. Because of this — it is scary for me to use my voice on hall duty. For example, fictional-student-Aiden is supposed to be upstairs in chemistry class but he arranges to get out of class to meet fictional-friend-Will in a downstairs boys’ bathroom. Yeah — you know the story. Stuff like this happens all the time in high schools. And a normal teacher, at the drop of a hat, might successfully redirect the two of them by confidently and quickly saying, “Aiden — what the heck are you doing?! You’re NOT supposed to be down here. Get back upstairs to class RIGHT NOW before I write you up for cutting.”

Gosh — I couldn’t do that in my dreams nor on my best of days. Instead, when I’m confronted by a situation like this, I freeze. For real. Like my heartbeat speeds up and my breathing dysregulates. Words get stuck in my throat. I know the students are up to no good but all I can muster is an intimidated smile and a nervous, “hey guys,” as they pull a fast one on me. They walk past me and I quickly look back at the nothing that I’m doing on my open laptop screen.

That’s my default. To do otherwise requires sooo much energy and drains the heck out of me. You wouldn’t believe the amount of emotional courage it costs for me to kindly but firmly confront Aiden and send him back upstairs.

I don’t think all teachers deal with this. But, because of my past, it is something I deal with on a daily basis. It’s part of what makes me feel pressure as a teacher.

Stay tuned. In future posts I will share additional, personal dynamics that make things like hall duty pressure-filled for me.

hall duty is hard because I was a pastor’s kid

I’m starting to write a series of posts and the purpose is…

…to identify the dynamics in my own personal life that contribute to the pressure that I feel as a teacher.

Yes — there are many external dynamics that challenge teachers. BUT I want to write about my unique, personal, internal dynamics that make my teaching duties pressure-filled for ME.

Hall Duty Be Like

They get out of class to wander the halls, watch tik tok, listen to their music, sneak into the bathroom to vape, meet up with their friends. Some try to avoid eye-contact so I might decide to skip questioning them. Some try the friendly-distract-the-teacher method to get me to chat and forget the fact that they are cutting class.

On hall duty…

…I feel afraid.

…I feel threatened.

…I feel vulnerable.

…I feel anxious.

I probably don’t look like I feel those things on the outside. But it is very much part of what I feel on the inside.

I don’t think that every teacher feels afraid on hall duty. But I think it is important for me to honestly recognize that I DO. Among the many factors that cause those feelings is one that I’ll mention in this post.

1. I am a son of a minister/pastor.

As pastor, my dad was hired by a community of Christian people in order to be their spiritual leader. Growing up, I saw that some pastors stayed at their church for a short time and some pastors stayed for a long time. I deduced that short-term pastors were the losers that the community didn’t end up liking. Perhaps they didn’t perform well enough or didn’t work hard enough to make the people happy. Job security, then, was correlated to the amount that a pastor was liked, esteemed and approved of. And as the oldest son of a pastor, I took on plenty of that pressure. I subconsciously thought that even I, as a child, better perform well because the opinion that the church had of ME and MY behavior would directly reflect upon my dad’s status within the church.

Even though I’m an adult now (and my dad and I live in different states), I still carrying those pressures into my job as a teacher. I often think subconscious, pressure-filled thoughts like, “I better impress those around me.” “I better be well-liked by everyone.” “I won’t have the security that I need unless I perform in ways that please the people around me.”

So how does being a pastor’s son make me feel scared on hall duty?

In order to survive and be secure, I need to be liked. On hall duty, at times I can feel enormous pressure because I have the thought that, “I will never be able to please the students that are walking the halls.” “How can I ever get them to like me if I have to confront them?” I have to ask them: ‘where are you going?’ or, ‘where are you supposed to be?’ or, ‘don’t you need to be in class right now?’” Confronting students will make them roll their eyes at me and get annoyed with me and make them complain about me to their friends. All of that — to the pastor’s kid inside of me — is a terrifying prospect. It’s part of what makes me feel pressure as a teacher.

Stay tuned. In future posts I will share additional, personal dynamics that make things like hall duty pressure-filled for me.