hall duty is hard because i’m an abuse survivor

I’m starting to write a series of posts and the purpose is…

…to identify the dynamics in my own personal life that contribute to the pressure that I feel as a teacher.

Yes — there are many external dynamics that challenge teachers. BUT I want to write about my unique, personal, internal dynamics that make my teaching duties pressure-filled for ME.

Hall Duty Be Like

They get out of class to wander the halls, watch tik tok, listen to their music, sneak into the bathroom to vape, meet up with their friends. Some try to avoid eye-contact so I might decide to skip questioning them. Some try the friendly-distract-the-teacher method to get me to chat and forget the fact that they are cutting class.

On hall duty…

…I feel afraid.

…I feel threatened.

…I feel vulnerable.

…I feel anxious.

I probably don’t look like I feel those things on the outside. But it is very much part of what I feel on the inside.

I don’t think that every teacher feels afraid on hall duty. But I think it is important for me to honestly recognize that I DO. Among the many factors that cause those feelings is a second one that I’ll mention in this post. (See first one here about being the son of a minister/pastor.)

2. Past abuse makes setting boundaries a panicky experience.

I won’t get into graphic detail here but, as a child, I was sexually abused by an adult, male babysitter. During the multiple acts of abuse my vocal cords seemed paralyzed. I would try to protest — my insides screaming to say, “stop! Don’t do this to me. What you are doing is wrong!” — but my 9 year old body was overwhelmed by his and I couldn’t manage to get a sound out. Once I miraculously was able to muster some kind of protesting grunt/noise/plea-for-mercy and he shut it down saying, “What?? Nothing is wrong here.”

Even though I’m an adult now (and I’m not threatened by a predator/abuser), my past trauma still affects me today — including as I carry out teaching responsibilities. Enforcing rules just absolutely SUCKS for me. I hate it. I am getting better at it (and therapy is helping) but UGH — high school teachers have to enforce rules sooooo freaking often!!! For me, the triggering, often subconscious, thoughts sound like, “I’m not safe. I don’t have the ability to use my voice to set boundaries.” “Ahhh! This is overwhelming because the students are constantly crossing lines and pushing the boundaries and I am helpless.” “People won’t like it if I point out something that is wrong so I better stay quiet.” “I won’t have the security that I need unless I perform in ways that please the people around me — so I better compromise on my values and let the students do what they prefer to do.”

So how does being an abuse survivor make me feel scared on hall duty?

My abuser did to me what he wanted — violating my boundaries — and he shut my voice down in the process. Because of this — it is scary for me to use my voice on hall duty. For example, fictional-student-Aiden is supposed to be upstairs in chemistry class but he arranges to get out of class to meet fictional-friend-Will in a downstairs boys’ bathroom. Yeah — you know the story. Stuff like this happens all the time in high schools. And a normal teacher, at the drop of a hat, might successfully redirect the two of them by confidently and quickly saying, “Aiden — what the heck are you doing?! You’re NOT supposed to be down here. Get back upstairs to class RIGHT NOW before I write you up for cutting.”

Gosh — I couldn’t do that in my dreams nor on my best of days. Instead, when I’m confronted by a situation like this, I freeze. For real. Like my heartbeat speeds up and my breathing dysregulates. Words get stuck in my throat. I know the students are up to no good but all I can muster is an intimidated smile and a nervous, “hey guys,” as they pull a fast one on me. They walk past me and I quickly look back at the nothing that I’m doing on my open laptop screen.

That’s my default. To do otherwise requires sooo much energy and drains the heck out of me. You wouldn’t believe the amount of emotional courage it costs for me to kindly but firmly confront Aiden and send him back upstairs.

I don’t think all teachers deal with this. But, because of my past, it is something I deal with on a daily basis. It’s part of what makes me feel pressure as a teacher.

Stay tuned. In future posts I will share additional, personal dynamics that make things like hall duty pressure-filled for me.