Is my body telling me a story? Experimenting with tracking feelings and sensations.
I’m 43 and many years have gone by without me knowing terms like body sensations or negative cognitions. But 2 years ago a friend of mine told me about how his journaling included documenting those two things plus feelings.
Ugh. I hate journaling. And I thought, ‘what the heck does journaling body sensations and negative cognitions look like?' So he explained that he looked at some word banks and copied down the words that applied to him at the moment as he mentally scanned his body, thoughts and feelings.
Here’s an example of what his word banks looked like.
Negative cognitions:
(Resource from VirtualEMDR)
Body sensations:
(Resource from Journeys Counseling)
Feelings:
(Example from Calm.com)
Let me give you a journaling example.
(As I write this blog post, I’m sitting at Dunkin’ Donuts while my daughter is working on some summer course homework. As I’m sitting next to her I will scan my body, thoughts and feelings to give you an example of what the journaling exercise might look like.)
July 5th 3:22pm
Scanning the words on the body sensations word bank, I perceive that I’m currently having these sensations in my body:
achy, breathless, bruised, clenched, constricted, dense, jittery, knotted, shaky, wobbly, tense
Scanning the words on the feelings wheel, I perceive that I’m currently feeling:
weak, frightened, worried, inadequate, insignificant, nervous, exposed, let down, humiliated, critical, annoyed, judgmental, hurt, vulnerable, lonely, isolated, fragile, grief, empty, inferior, disappointed, interested, proud, hopeful, creative, free, surprised, disillusioned, eager, stressed, rushed, pressured
Scanning the words on the negative cognitions list, I perceive that I’m currently thinking (usually subconsciously):
i am defective, i don’t deserve love, i am worthless, i am inadequate, i am not lovable, i am not good enough, i am ugly, i do not deserve, i am insignificant, i am a disappointment, i am different, i don’t belong, i cannot trust my judgement, i am weak, i have to be perfect, i have to please everyone, i should have done something, i did something wrong, i should have known better
Wow. Even though I’ve done that exercise a lot of times now, I’m surprised at how much I’m carrying today without realizing it. (All I’ve done today is sleep in, watch the PSG vs Bayern Munich game at noon, scan the Tour de France day 1 highlights, and take my daughter to dunkin’ donuts.) Whoa. That’s a lot of feelings.
Anyway…the point of this blog post is not what I’m feeling today. The point is that I’ve lived for so long without knowing about this stuff. And it is leading me to some surprising realizations. I’ll share one realization below:
The daily grind of being a teacher at school takes a noticeable toll on my nervous system.
I noticed it for the first time a couple months ago when I had 10 straight days off of school during spring break. I noticed in my body that I was able to experience deeper relaxation and calm knowing that I wasn’t having to go back to school soon. And then I noticed (on the Sunday before returning after spring break) that my ability to access deep relaxation and calm was virtually impossible. I noticed on week nights that I would try to relax but still feel tense because I knew I had to wake up the next day and face school. And the day in and day out experience of that affects my nervous system.
I noticed it for the second time late in June once the school year was done. As the summer started, I noticed that I had the thought, ‘ahhh…I don’t have to go back to school for a long time. I can relax,’ and my nervous system felt relieved.
That’s got me thinking: ‘Is my body (in this case my perception of my nervous system) telling me a story? If so, what does it tell me about my experience at school? Why do I get so tense and clenched during the weeks of daily grind? Why do I experience such a noticeable increase in ability to relax when there are long periods of time away from school?
I’m not sure what the answers are. But I’m trying to learn to explore.
